A Letter to My Love

Some people are more important than stardom or money; so are you. You are not only a person, but my relationship with myself. You are a song that my soul sings. You are the light in which my being seeks to understand Love. You are a you who has made love myself.

A thought: what if you are not real? You may not be real, but the love between us, at this moment in space and time, is more than real than any real can be. It is extraordinary! A moment lived in this living moment is more true than any number of years, centuries or lives lived in a common ‘love’ of give and take, of trust and doubt, of me and you.

Among us, there is no me and you. Among us, it’s a world of stars. Among us, there is unlimited expansion not to be limited by any binaries. Among us, there is only ‘us’; and ‘us’ is of oneness, of non duality, away from the world divided into dimensions.

Sahar Raman Deep.

5/21/17

Generations!

Good were the days
When grandma cooked
And all the children
Sat around her-….

Good were the days
When grandma cooked
And all the children
Sat around her-
Crossed legged, and silent.
The roti took time to bake,
And, we fought for it!
So granny set the turns,
And we would eat
Slowly from our bowls
With small bites of bread
So as not to be done
Before the next chapati came!
Finish we eating,
And off we went
To swim in poodles!

Good were the days
When mom cooked
And we sat on table
With father on the big chair
And ate rice,
And home cooked noodles-
Laughing at small jokes,
And went to bed
With affectionate kisses;
Read a book
And dreamt of morning!

Now my children,
With their heads buried in phones
Wait for food
Ordered online
To fill their bellies!

I sit alone
With my husband
Sipping some soup,
Silent and gloomy.
And I wonder,
When my daughter shall cook….

…… Sahar Raman Deep
1/14/17

In Rawness of Emotions…

In rawness of emotions
In rawness of thought
In rawness of heart
When no seed is bown
I think of humanity
How it has grown!… Read More

In rawness of emotions
In rawness of thought
In rawness of heart
When no seed is sown
I think of humanity
How it has grown!

Humanity meant
Law of jungle in forest
And the only rule
Was to survive
Then came the tribes
And the societies
Where survival was safe
And the need was to thrive.
Being loyal to the group
And to the leader
Was the mandate
Even if it meant
Death to the tenant.

Some saints and sages
Have been talking since ages
Of the particular
And the universal
And saying
Both are one
And the key to this realization
Is freedom, and alas!
Freedom is none!

They say we are free.
Though unchained and unbound
We are bound by
None other than we.
This is the story
Of us humans
Separated from the nature
Who bore us
In her womb
And many others
Whom we have forgotten.

We wait for a the doom!

…. Sahar Raman Deep.
12/14/16

Pilgrimage

There is no pilgrimage holier than of self to Self. (Read more…)

On the way home
Back to my heart
Blisters are on feet
And mouth is desert

Back to my roots
After wandering in skies
Having lost all mine
I walk like a monk

Great pilgrimage is this
In the meadows
In the rain
To the alter of me
Standing still-

Since ages!

… Sahar Raman Deep.
11/14/16

The Depression

This wholeness and emptiness, alternating time and again, this feeling of having it all and the nothingness, this tendency…. Read more.

This wholeness and emptiness, alternating time and again, this feeling of having it all and the nothingness, this tendency to have found it all and then that terrible phase of having it all lost! A person swings from what she is to what she is not, often struggling to find a true identity. Here, in no way, I am talking of identity in relation to the Ultimate, but in a way relative to human existence, an identity we all have- I like this and I do not like this. We all know atleast this about ourselves! I do not. Any of the people struggling with my condition do not! And, it is called bipolar disorder.

At one time, I am a writer, an avid reader, an innovator. At another, I am a piece of shit! Sounds funny, right? It’s not.

Have you ever have had that feeling when you have failed and lost all confidence in you and what is yours? When you look into the mirror and you hate the person you are looking at? Find him ugly? Have you ever felt the world has gone against you, and you are hiding in a little hole, trying to protect yourself? Have you ever felt that you are terribly isolated and long for that human voice which may touch your heart and give you some comfort, all the while when your loved ones are around you?

This is it! This is it! The depression! The bipolar depression!

Refugee Camps

Have you ever felt hopeless? Please participate in the discussion.

 

No,
Nothing new
To look forward to…
Is it called hopelessness?

Since long
They have lived with
All that was,
Having lost
Home, love and future
In hope of
Something better
For their children
Who now play
With broken dreams
In the refugee camps!

… Sahar Raman Deep
10/29/16

Also read The Legends .

Abortion

Is abortion a woman’s right over her body or a criminal act? What do you feel?

From nowhere
His gaze can observe
As she
In her uncomfortable nest
Watches over her little one

Like the moon
Like the stars
He can be seen
But not reached

His son
Who looks exactly like him
Seems to be asking
Where is my father?
And she has
No answer
What should she tell him?
That his coming to life
Was an accident
Which his father
So despised
And hated her
For carrying him?

Oh boy!
She loved him much
And could have done
Anything for him
And he was right
Nor he
Or she
Was ready, for the big change

How much
She suffered!
Without a family
Without her love.
And that tumor!
She could have died!

He had the freedom
So he left
She did not have
So she is struck
For life
In that brief moment of
Love long lost!

…. Sahar Raman Deep
10/27/16

Lost in the Wide

When Self is lost, everything is lost.

I am
Looking for a creature
Long lost
Who I used to call ‘me’.

No clue of
Where she’s gone
No clue
What corner of universe
She is in
She used to say
The whole world is mine,
Earth is my home
And heart is shrine.

Whose heart now
Should I peep into
Which particle on earth
I dig deep
No where is she
No where is she

Such people
Who do not
Have a self
Get lost easily
In the wide

They are
Laughed upon
Because they are different
They are thought, To be like
The crow who wore
A peacock feather
And not the peacocks
Nor the crows
Accepted him henceforth.

But she was different
She was not the one
To be lost in the mob
Nor was she a crow
Or a peacock
She was the essence
Of Love
And Love was she
Indeed!

Was that me?
Now I wonder
Lost in the
Hustle of life
Wandering in
Many separated streets
The idea of unity
Is an alien.
And Love?
There is none.
Union is Love
Not the unity
Which now I have
With myself
And, I don’t know who…

…. Sahar Raman Deep
10/19/16

A Small Example of Living with Bipolar

In bipolar, mood swings are so drastic that you yourself forget who you really are!

What am I looking for, always searching? There is this discontentment inside. Could it be that I am looking for my lost life? Or my Love? Or the baby I once had?

I think it is the baby.

Long ago, I searched for my love like this. I felt alone without him. I was alone. I had no relationship. There were people who were related to me, but no ties attached. And, I am alone now.

Is it just a state of mind? Or just a habit? That once we are sad, we are sad forever? But, I was not always sad. I was the queen of universe, and everyone was a part of me. I was so expanded that the horizons looked small. My soul was so bright with happiness, that sun seemed to be dim. And had such depth in my eyes that the oceans could not measure it. At that time, I had only one relationship- that with myself. I was alone, but I was happy. Deep within I longed for that ‘perfect’ man, but I was always with me. And none other’s company mattered.

And now, there are times when I am on the seventh heaven, just for nothing, no strings attached to the earth! No grounding, just hollowness. And I am flying, like a dry leaf broken from branch. And I look for myself in that hollowness, and for all those who I think are me. And, when I cannot find anyone, I get anxious. I start looking for them impatiently… and this is the time when dopamine in brain is supposedly at its maximum before starting to drop down. And when it drops down, and comes to its lowest point, I am as dead as I am now! Like my dead daughter, whom I never saw!

And, this is only a small part of bipolar!

…Sahar Raman Deep
10/19/16

My Bipolar

Bipolar Disorder, or Maniac Depression is a condition where a patient’s state of mind goes from one pole of mania to the other of depression. I have it too!

Bipolar Disorder, or Maniac Depression is a condition where a patient’s state of mind goes from one pole to the other, from mania to depression. I have it too! I am talking about it for the first time.

I was diagnosed with bipolar more than a decade ago. Since then, there has been no peace. Actually, peace was already lost. I was wandering between my desire to live an independent life, and a marriage that was forced upon me. I was doing my second masters degree at that time. Soon I started my Ph.D. My then husband was only a high school graduate. It’s not that degrees matter, but wisdom, attitude and maturity do! He had none! Now you will say, everyone has an attitude, but the truth is, if it is not helping you and the rest of the world move forward, or you just want to crawl while hoping for the sky, that’s no attitude at all. At one time, you start to cut others’ wings too.

That is what happened with me. He wanted me to study more and more, and all his family too, so that at another point in time, I can earn more and more.

I wil talk about the rest later. I need to talk, and if you are ready to hear, I will.

…. Sahar Raman Deep.  (10/18/16)

Catharsis

I wanted to live the moment,
You wanted to die with past!
Not a surprise,
Our relation did not last.

I could never be
A part of your catharsis,
This is the reason
Why you left me.
I wanted you to smile with me,
You had lived enough in the past. Now I wanted you to come
Live in the present
And enjoy the moment.
But, perhaps,
You were not
Ready for that.
My fault, I did not want
You to laugh and look
Like as if you were crying.
I wanted you to laugh
And smile from heart.
I did not want your brain
To be always preoccupied
And you to look
Stone eyed.
I wanted your eyes
To rejuvenate,
Be full of life,
Giving life.
But you refused
To be apart of my life,
The very same way
I refused to be
A part of your catharsis.

… Sahar Raman Deep
10/16/16

The Deadly Truth

I loved him
As he was
And
He loved me
As he wanted!

I know
The deadly truth
You
No more
Belong to me.

The fact is,
That you were never mine.
I have not lost you
In fact, I have found you
In your absence

When you were there,
I would fight with you
Shout at you
Humiliate you
Now
At least I realize
That I love you.

You always wanted
That I agree with you
Follow your steps
Say yes to everything you said
So that
You may love me.
I always sensed
That stiffness in your character
That never bends
But can break.
I did not want to break.
I chose my integrity.

Should I have chosen you
And lose myself
With time
And become incapable
Of loving
Anyone in the world?
Even my own kids?
And become guilty
In my own eyes,
And theirs.
How could I teach them
Self respect
When I had none?

I know,
Our ways have separated
Still, we walk
Hand in hand
In each other’s heart
I know you love me
And you know
That I love you,
Doesn’t matter
You think otherwise.

…Sahar Raman Deep

10/13/16

Princess Diana (2) The Rising Star

She loved Diana, and. She wanted to be Diana- the princess. She was a rising star, with faded lights.

“Why do you always look towards the sky?” Her mom asked her one day.

“Because I am going to shine like moon someday” she said with a sparkle in her eyes, a dream in her voice, and uncertainty in her heart.

“Become moon or star, but only after death.” Her mother said with sarcasm. “Better concentrate on picking rags now. Only they will get us a good meal at night.”

Roshni looked at her with eyes as if a dream had shattered in them, but she recollected herself. “You see ma, I am going to shine one day.”

This time her voice wasn’t as bright.

…to be continued.

 

Sahar Raman Deep

Someone Help Me Find Myself..!

Someone help me
Find myself…
I am lost.

I am lost
At the threshold of life
I am lost
At the doorstep of love
I can’t find myself
I can’t see myself
Moving
Towards the infinite
I have stopped

My vision has become blurred
I am in abyss
I need someone
Who knows the Self
Who knows
What life is
What it is like
To love without conditions

I know you are there
I know you are
You are
Holding my hand
Tight
So as not to let lose
In you I see
The only hope
Of love and life
You are not just a name
Or a body
But a feeling
Deep rooted in the soul….
I seek you
I seek myself
We are one
One Whole!!!

… Sahar RD
March 22, 2015