will this be the
new end of my extremes
or not to believe
…Sahar Raman Deep
It’s been a while we are friends- me and my bipolar; our friendship has not been very long, perhaps a little more than a decade. People say they get used to their situation, but I haven’t. I still feel the highs, the anxiety associated with it, and the trauma that it brings. I miss my normal self. In my lows, I do realize I am depressed, and I want to be happy. I do not want to kill myself, I have never; but there have been times when I had to fight the thought of killing myself. (Thankfully, that phase is over now, hopefully forever.) And, thanks to- I don’t exactly know whom- my family and friends, doctors, or my own will to survive- things seem to be a little better. Though, still there are times when I feel panics, I want to thrash my head against the wall- not to hurt myself but to exit the situation, the pumping heart loud enough to make anyone insane (I still am sane though). But it is ok.. (Actually not so ok). I sit here and write this in the middle of night, unable to sleep, or think. The brain is so active, thoughts are racing and I can’t catch any. So I decided to capture them from their very flight. I write about my bipolar.
…Sahar Raman Deep
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This wholeness and emptiness, alternating time and again, this feeling of having it all and the nothingness, this tendency…. Read more.
This wholeness and emptiness, alternating time and again, this feeling of having it all and the nothingness, this tendency to have found it all and then that terrible phase of having it all lost! A person swings from what she is to what she is not, often struggling to find a true identity. Here, in no way, I am talking of identity in relation to the Ultimate, but in a way relative to human existence, an identity we all have- I like this and I do not like this. We all know atleast this about ourselves! I do not. Any of the people struggling with my condition do not! And, it is called bipolar disorder.
At one time, I am a writer, an avid reader, an innovator. At another, I am a piece of shit! Sounds funny, right? It’s not.
Have you ever have had that feeling when you have failed and lost all confidence in you and what is yours? When you look into the mirror and you hate the person you are looking at? Find him ugly? Have you ever felt the world has gone against you, and you are hiding in a little hole, trying to protect yourself? Have you ever felt that you are terribly isolated and long for that human voice which may touch your heart and give you some comfort, all the while when your loved ones are around you?
This is it! This is it! The depression! The bipolar depression!
In bipolar, mood swings are so drastic that you yourself forget who you really are!
What am I looking for, always searching? There is this discontentment inside. Could it be that I am looking for my lost life? Or my Love? Or the baby I once had?
I think it is the baby.
Long ago, I searched for my love like this. I felt alone without him. I was alone. I had no relationship. There were people who were related to me, but no ties attached. And, I am alone now.
Is it just a state of mind? Or just a habit? That once we are sad, we are sad forever? But, I was not always sad. I was the queen of universe, and everyone was a part of me. I was so expanded that the horizons looked small. My soul was so bright with happiness, that sun seemed to be dim. And had such depth in my eyes that the oceans could not measure it. At that time, I had only one relationship- that with myself. I was alone, but I was happy. Deep within I longed for that ‘perfect’ man, but I was always with me. And none other’s company mattered.
And now, there are times when I am on the seventh heaven, just for nothing, no strings attached to the earth! No grounding, just hollowness. And I am flying, like a dry leaf broken from branch. And I look for myself in that hollowness, and for all those who I think are me. And, when I cannot find anyone, I get anxious. I start looking for them impatiently… and this is the time when dopamine in brain is supposedly at its maximum before starting to drop down. And when it drops down, and comes to its lowest point, I am as dead as I am now! Like my dead daughter, whom I never saw!
And, this is only a small part of bipolar!
…Sahar Raman Deep
Bipolar Disorder, or Maniac Depression is a condition where a patient’s state of mind goes from one pole of mania to the other of depression. I have it too!
Bipolar Disorder, or Maniac Depression is a condition where a patient’s state of mind goes from one pole to the other, from mania to depression. I have it too! I am talking about it for the first time.
I was diagnosed with bipolar more than a decade ago. Since then, there has been no peace. Actually, peace was already lost. I was wandering between my desire to live an independent life, and a marriage that was forced upon me. I was doing my second masters degree at that time. Soon I started my Ph.D. My then husband was only a high school graduate. It’s not that degrees matter, but wisdom, attitude and maturity do! He had none! Now you will say, everyone has an attitude, but the truth is, if it is not helping you and the rest of the world move forward, or you just want to crawl while hoping for the sky, that’s no attitude at all. At one time, you start to cut others’ wings too.
That is what happened with me. He wanted me to study more and more, and all his family too, so that at another point in time, I can earn more and more.
I wil talk about the rest later. I need to talk, and if you are ready to hear, I will.
…. Sahar Raman Deep. (10/18/16)